Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I need to sanitize my soul.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
