you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
