you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
