Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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