You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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