I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
