just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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