I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
