When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
