I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
