You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
