new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
