My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
