the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
