They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
