Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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