I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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