I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
