He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
