I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
