after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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