If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
