i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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