The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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