I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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