Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
