Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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