His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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