you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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