Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Boobs speak an international language.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
