where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
