I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize