Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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