You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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