I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
