my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
