i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
