haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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