alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
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No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
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I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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