omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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