Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
