So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
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I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
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Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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