also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
