he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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