She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
