Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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