We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I love having hate sex.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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