I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize