i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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