too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
