a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
