yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
