if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This girl is more easily done than said...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
