I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
