you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
