Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
