If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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