paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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