i just wanna soil my oats bro
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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