Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
