i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
