Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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