I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
